I have been listening to Holly Cole sing “I Want You (You You)” in her gravelly alto voice, and contemplating the extraordinary power of the word and concept known as You.
I believe that You is in fact a God, a God worshipped by single women like myself.
I am a HUGE devotee of this deity. I guess you could call me a Youist.
The practice of You-worship can be broken down into several stages.
During the first phase of Devotion, You is revered ardently with breathless blogging, chatting online, OMGing with BFFs, browsing dating sites, watching chick flicks, singing along with Josh Grobin, and reading romance novels.
Devotees of You Believe the Following:
You are out there somewhere
You will find me
You will love me
You will heal me
You are what has been missing from my life
You will be like Mommy and Daddy Only Much Better and
You Will Love Me Better Than They Did
You will love me as much as my dog Chumbles
You will purr louder, paw me and rub up against me more than Adelaide the cat
You are not inside me no matter what those new age authors say
You are someone other than me, someone who will complete me
You are not a figment of my imagination even when I am off my meds
You will make up for everything I ever lost, every hurt I ever felt, including when my first goldfish died
You look better than all the best looking NBA NFL and Movie Stars crossbred with People’s Sexiest Men Alive
You will worship Me Too
During the second phase of Devotion, worshippers progress to Relationship, in which You is expected to merge with The Love Object, through an intricate, infuriating, confounding but sometimes miraculously successful ritual known as Courtship.
Nobody knows why Courtship succeeds or fails.
The rite of Courtship happens first and ideally during the Tender Young Adult Years. It also occurs, generally with a much lower success rate, in Middle Adulthood after divorce or in response to the Loud Ticking of the Biological Clock.
Courtship is an attempt to uncover and worship all of You’s traits in an actual human lover. When the rite is completed successfully by both Love Objects, there is great joy, perhaps even marriage, and much Congratulating and Mazeltoving throughout the community.
When Courtship fails, which happens with tragic frequency among older Youists who are often too jaded, exhausted, damaged, wounded, addicted, cynical or mentally ill to keep faith during the arduous process, the result can threaten emotional and physical health.
Often it is necessary for devotees to abandon You worship altogether and switch religious faiths to other cults. Ones that appear to be especially popular include: Spinning and Stepping, Real Estate (traditional but still very strong), Children and Grandchildren, Purse Dogs, Dollhouses, Reality Shows, Fifteen Minute Celebrities, Eating and Dieting, Online Shopping, Facebook, Twitter, and the perennially popular Myself Moi y Yo.
Next: Life After You…The Cult of Me