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All In My Head

16 Oct

Is it the thought that counts?

I think not.

What matters much much more is the action.

Maybe there is an alien civilization where beings connect with one another telepathically, a society of limbless heads soundlessly transmitting.

Not so humans–thank goodness.

I was reminded of this recently when a former love told me that he still thinks about me every day.

At first I was thrilled to hear it. For weeks I thought about him thinking about me and tried to convince myself that this would fill the empty place inside me that longs to love and be loved. I imagined him thinking his way right up to my front door–and then I remembered that he would have to use his legs, and not just his head, to return to my life.

Alas, the thought of a thought is not the same as a smiling face at the door, a hand in my hand, a strong embrace, a caring voice asking, “how are you?” and meaning it.

For years thoughts of thoughts and dreams of dreams and imaginings of imaginings were what passed for my love life. I was a lonely child and a lonely teenager.

A couple of times in my life, I have ventured beyond the thought into the actual sensual and tactile and real-time experience of relationship, of love between two humans. It bears no resemblance to thinking about someone thinking about you.

Being together in the palpable present is all there is when it comes to relationships. It is a sad perspective indeed that has made me believe I should settle for thoughts of thoughts instead of opening myself up to the possibility of an actual warm and loving human within reach and view.

It is time to banish these imaginings and find love not with my head but with hands and heart.

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4 Comments

Posted by on October 16, 2011 in Body and Soul

 

4 responses to “All In My Head

  1. Franklin Percival

    October 16, 2011 at 8:00 am

    The casual intimacies, just walking holding hands,the knowing.
    Not needing reassurance, just being for each other.
    Do we set ourselves ideals too tall?

     
  2. mariehelene56

    October 16, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Thanks Franklin. I agree Those are the things we miss when we have lost relationships by making them too complicated and demanding more than is there because we cannot see that what is there is perfect and all we need.

     
  3. The Bus Driver

    October 16, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    “Being together in the palpable present is all there is when it comes to relationships.” Yes. YES! Being THERE in the palpable present is all there ever is when it comes to life in general.

    But you mustn’t banish the imaginings, for they do have their place. They are the wellspring of your reality. You just don’t want to get stalled there. You do have to use your legs to get from imagining to reality. One foot in front of the other.

    “… when we have lost relationships by making them too complicated … because we cannot see that what is there is perfect …”

    YES! Barring abuse, yes, what is there is always perfect, but we don’t see it because we’re so blinded by our focus on what we need, what we want, what we’re looking for, what our partner doesn’t have and how he’s not meeting our needs. Have you read Marianne Williamson? I A Return to Love, I think, she says something about how love is not blind. When we are caught up in the passion of early romance, we literally don’t see what we later come to believe are his “flaws”. We get to see another human being as perfect. She says that is when we’re absolutely right. He IS perfect. You ARE perfect. When the honeymoon is over and we start seeing his flaws, we’ve stopped seeing clearly who he really is.

    When you can accept — not tolerate — who he is, all of it, and when you can love it all, that is when you truly open yourself to intimacy.

    @ Franklin: If the ideals you mean are those casual intimacies, then, no, we do not set ourselves ideals too tall. These are not ideals, they are normal for a healthy relationship. But they begin with you. You can only be intimate with another when you have figured out how to be intimate with yourself. When you are enough for you, that is when healthy love can begin. The rest just takes time to ripen.

     
    • The Bus Driver

      October 16, 2011 at 9:35 pm

      P.S. Just to clarify that last: what I meant by “normal” was really “everyone deserves these casual intimacies” and it’s not too much to ask.

       

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