Mirror Mirror

19 Jul

My son is fascinated by astrophysics so lately we’ve been watching reruns of The Wormhole, a television series about quantum mechanics and the nature of reality.

I was intrigued by the episode on the fourth dimension. While I’m no spatial genius, it did get me thinking about the metaphorical possibilities of the concept.

Here’s what came to mind:

When I dive deep into my head–a psychic soup of mood swings, memories, obsessions, compulsions, fears and fantasies–I put myself into a sort of fourth dimension.

Being in my own parallel universe is scarier than any science fact or fiction.

Peering out from my little world, I’m convinced my perceptions are accurate. Truth is, I’m encircled by a fortress of mirrors. Everywhere I look I see only me: my thoughts, my feelings, my projections. My defensive reflections show me what I already know. They confirm my worst fears. I’m trapped inside the dimension of me. I cannot see past my own psyche.

Nothing sends me into my citadel more swiftly than a new relationship. From the moment I meet someone, my projections block the view of my prospective mate, covering his face with every other man in my memory. When he speaks, his words become speeches I have heard before. His actions are indistinguishable from scenes I’ve played previously. I react to him as if he were every man who disappointed or wronged me. I accuse, I cower, I run, I weep, I rage.

I am deep in my head and out of my mind. It’s a great way to lose a guy. Who would put up with such nuttiness? Hallucinations haven’t been hot since Woodstock.

How to escape the Moi Dimension and return to everyday Earth?

Part of recovery is learning to get out of our heads and live happily among other creatures, see the lovely unexplored paths, the spiritual richness of our lives.

We strive to separate projection from truth, I from Thou. We learn to dismantle our defenses and allow enough space around us to permit other people to teach and love us. We start to see and hear and discover things that are not of our own making. We move away from the mirrors.

We begin to live once more in a three dimensional world we can savor with our senses and our hearts.

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Posted by on July 19, 2011 in Recovery Journal


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