Keeping It Real With the Housewives

05 May

I have finally figured out why movie dramas seem so lame these days.

It’s reality television, of course. We all know the old saw about truth being stranger than fiction. It’s also more absorbing, addictive, nasty, nutty, riveting, repugnant, vicious, vulgar and way more dramatic than any film could attempt to be–with the possible exception of movies based on great novels penned ages before the birth of the Bravo channel.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in my favorite genre of trash-de-vie TV, The Real Housewives.

Call me a lame brain, a bimbo, a clueless floozie, or even, to quote New Jersey Housewife Teresa Giudice, “A Prostitution WHORE.” I admit to being all of those things. However, I will tell you that anyone who avoids or fears these programs is missing out on priceless opportunities to improve his or her life.

Here’s a list of precious insights and amenities YOU can hope to gain from watching the surgically inflated, socially inept, witchy and winsome Wives:

1)It Helps You Stay Sober: Whether it’s New York’s terminally tactless Ramona socking back the pinot or Orange County’s foul-mouthed Tamra doing belly shots, you can count on rediscovering why you gave up drinking–and vowing to stay on the wagon forever. Most episodes involve at least one posh luncheon or dinner where the housewives show up in bust-baring minis, toss back a few girly drinks or Drama Queen-sized goblets of wine, and then degenerate into vile, vindictive inebriation. Not to be missed: The segment of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in which a drunk psychic uses her powers to smack down the guests at the home of Kelsey Grammer’s cruelly dumped wife, Camille.

2)It alleviates loneliness: Do you wish you had more female friends? Are you longing to be one of the girls? Watch any Housewives installment and you may decide that a little alone time is a small price to pay for serenity and self-esteem. You won’t flippin’ believe all the bitchin’, back stabbin’ and betrayals. See the Wives in action and you might be tempted to label them the Ladies Who Lynch. Ganging up is a favorite activity. Each cast seems to include at least one outsider, offering endless opportunities for these fickle chicks to stick it to the pariah. Part of the excitement is that the Most Hated person keeps changing, and you never know whom the gals are gonna use for target practice.

3) It Helps You Make Important Surgical Decisions: Prior to viewing the Housewives, I had never even considered ameliorating my appearance with a doctor’s help, but these girls can really make you feel inferior for being a botox and implant virgin. Most of the wives have had at least one breast, belly, face or nose enhancement. Thanks to these procedures, anorexic workouts and mad waxing, these babes can really rock a plunging neckline on a micro mini and induce an ordinary gal to wonder if she could do the same. On the other hand, the ladies make it clear there’s a downside to deepening your decollete. I never knew, for instance, that when you get “the girls” done, your friends feel free to feel you up and make insanely rude comments like, “your new knockers look like flotation devices.”

4)It Supplies Awesome Comebacks for All Occasions:

Finally, each Housewives episode offers a gift bag of diabolical disses suitable for any situation that calls for an emergency schoolin’ of friends or family. For example:

“Scratch my ass.” (New Jersey)

“Adios, lunatic.” (New York)

“I’ll flip you over that couch.” (Atlanta)

“When you’re married to HER, every day is a milestone.” (New York)

“I’m about to take you out and put some Oklahoma on your ass.”(Beverly Hills)

“She’s a thug in a cocktail dress.” (New York).

“You touch me girl, I will wear that wig off your head!” (Atlanta)

And finally, my personal favorite, the brief but soul-chilling exchange between New Jersey’s tempestuous table-flipping Teresa and her nemesis, notorious pole dancer and alleged gangsta moll, Danielle.

“Don’t call me honey.”
“Is bitch better?”

Now that’s drama.

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Posted by on May 5, 2011 in Chick Flicks, Essays


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