From time to time, I amuse myself with the idea of launching a greeting card company that would specialize in awkward, unconventional situations in life and, especially, love. This concept usually comes to mind when I am encountering bizarre circumstances in my own life for which I wish I had the perfect pre-fabricated missive.
Well, I’m having a weird week and my mind is once again bubbling over with strange salutations. It all started with the realization that my ex, who is getting married in a few days, scheduled his wedding for two days before Our Anniversary. To ward off feelings of wounded pride and tragic sentimentality, I imagined sending a witty card underscoring the humor and pathos of this Special Occasion.
After that, I moved on to other timely greetings. These included:
THINKING OF YOU My Ex Boyfriend Because The Other Night I Passed By the House Where You Lived With Someone Else In the Seventies and Even Though the Association Was Tenuous I Felt Dramatic Pangs of Loss and Longing and Cried Copiously.
HAPPY SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY, More or Less, of our Last One Night Stand To the Irish Blackguard who Dumped Me on St. Patrick’s Day But It Was Probably A Good Thing Since I Wanted to Stop Drinking Anyway.
BON VOYAGE to The Two or Three Former Flames That I Extinguished Today By Tossing Your Ridiculous Photos, Insincere Cards, Floral Remnants, Ticket Stubs, Baubles, Mixed Tapes, and Other Memorabilia into the Trash while Singing “Take Back Your Mink” in an Angry Bronx Accent.
and, finally, most importantly…
I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To My Devoted and Faithful Shaggy Brown-Eyed Dog Who Has been At Her Kennel For Too Long And Really Needs to Come Home Because I am Starved For Affection and I Have Realized That You Are My Truest True Love Even If You Do Mistake Every Carpet for a Doggy Commode, Steal Sandwiches off the Counter and Bark Loudly and Incessantly.