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Letting Go

27 Feb

There is absolutely nothing in my life that I have wanted to hold onto that I have held onto.

In this moment I am attached to, I am in love with, I am clinging to, I am chasing after nothing. Nothing at all. It is quite wonderful.

I am completely detached from everything I ever longed for, grasped, tried to hold onto, wished for, had for a time, loved and lost.

All the men are gone.

I have broken up with alcohol.

My nest is nearly empty.

Various friends have fallen away due to neglect (mine or theirs), turning inward, hardening of the heart, misunderstandings.

Yet I can say on this cold night when I am alone with no one to comfort me, I am completely all right. I did not want to be in this position. Nonetheless here I am, quite happy, excited by my strange circumstances.

I am grateful to be alive and to be sober and to have survived everything I have been through. I am grateful for the wisdom on loan to me for this lifetime. I am grateful for the life forces that have humbled me, and stripped away everything I held onto for so long.

I quite like sitting here at what feels like the bottom of my life. I like the worm’s eye view. I feel as if I have finally landed after grasping and falling and grasping and falling and grasping and falling again. I have landed and am still alive. There is freedom in my detachment. It is quite joyful down here.

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Posted by on February 27, 2010 in Clarity, Essays

 

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